Since it’s Friday, I think I’ll take a break from the usual celebrity idiocy and do a non-music story about Pennsylvania’s cultural heritage.

Apparently a rash of violence has overtaken a Chuck E. Cheese in Susquehanna Township, Pennsylvania. Police have been called to the restaurant on Union Deposit Road (yes, that’s a real road name) 12 times in the past year for everything from theft to assault. In one Saturday night brawl five adults and a juvenile were arrested.

The year before, police were called to the same location 18 times!

The Police Chief attributes the violence to people who “bump into each other” and divorced parents getting into arguments at birthday parties. An April 4th incident involved a man slapping his estranged wife in the head at their child’s party.

I’m not sure what this means for the Susquehanna leg of Sanjaya’s nationwide Chuck E. Cheese tour, but it can’t be good. (See, I managed to get a little music joke in there.)

This is why I’ve been saving up all these years. Sanjaya of American Idol fame is releasing a new album. It’s called Dancing to the Music in My Head, a phrase commonly used by the homeless schizophrenics in my neighborhood.

You can listen to some of the “songs” on Amazon. But if you’d rather have someone defecate directly in your mouth, you’d get the gist. 

The most inventive thing about any of this album is that the record label is called “The Label.” Yeah, I know. That’s not really clever, but it will have to do. Of course, if you buy this album you probably can’t read labels to begin with. That’s why the album cover has all of those pretty colors, to attract the illiterates.

This all started when Katy Perry described herself as “a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.”

Lilly Allen responded by saying, “I happen to know for a fact that she was an American version of me….. She was signed by my label in America as ‘We need to find something controversial and kooky like Lily Allen.’ And then they found her.

“I think the lyrics and stuff are a bit crass… It’s like, you’re not English and you don’t write your own songs, shut up!”

And Perry responded to that by ripping out Lily Allen’s tongue and saying “Who’s crass now, bitch?”

Actually, Perry took the high road and admitted wrong doing. (Which confirms my suspicion that she’s not an actual celebrity.)

“I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny,” Perry explained. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously.”

No word on if anyone told Katy that comedians aren’t supposed to be taken seriously at all or pointed out that Perry was not actually a comedian to begin with.

Pete Wentz and his band, Fall Out Boy, have decided to postpone the release of their latest album, Folie a Deux, from November 4th to December 16th. Their reason: they don’t want to compete with Election Day.

“Six months ago we thought it would be a fun idea to release our album on Election Day, but this is not the election to be cute,” the rockers said. “We felt as though rather than making a commentary we were only riding the wave of the election. This seemed less and less like what we intended to do and more of a gimmick.”

Now how in the hell am I going to know who to vote for?

Here was my schedule for Election Day:

8 AM: Go buy new Fall Out Boy CD.

8:30-6:30 PM: Repeated listening of new Fallout Boy CD (ten minute break for lunch).

6:30 PM: Decide who to vote for by studying transcription of new Fall Out Boy lyrics.

7:30 PM: Rush to polling place. Write in Ashley Simpson for president.

Taylor Swift is a prude and an idiot. She thought the VMAs on MTV were too racy this year.

“I think that there was a little too much sex being talked about instead of music,” Taylor said at Sunday’s DVD premiere of “Another Cinderella Story.”

Has she ever seen MTV before? There is no music, only lame reality shows featuring lame reality sex. She should know. I’m sure there were plenty of MTV “stars” right along side of her on the red carpet at that exclusive, A-list DVD premier.

Here’s a picture of Taylor looking like a hot school teacher, in a completely non-sexual way of course. Which reminds me, who in the hell is Taylor Swift anyway?

Who knew there was a musician shortage in the US? Thank God for actors. These selfless souls have really stepped up to the plate to save us the pain and misery of a music-barren world until the Britney Spears album comes out next year. Terrence Howard will do his part by releasing an album in September. Terrence says of the album: “I didn’t know going in if the whole album would be just me on guitar and completely acoustic. Then I heard other possibilities, like putting a bass here or strings there.” Man that guy really has his finger on the pulse of today’s youth. I was at Target the other day, and I overheard some teenagers saying, “You know what would be the shit? Some acoustic jams with maybe some other possibilities in there. You know, like strings. Oh! And a bass somewhere too.” Better be sure to baby-wipe those mikes!