Let me just warn all of you now… don’t marry Madonna. Whew. That was close. There is still hope for everyone except Guy Ritchie.

Besides having to be married to the sinewy, 80-year-old cult member all of these years, the last two years of Guy’s life have been overshadowed by a contract that he signed after he and the Material Girl attended marriage counseling.

According to sources, the contract stipulated the couple’s private time together, determined how often they would have sex, and instructed Guy on how to handle arguments. (Guy wasn’t allowed to shout at Madonna; instead, he was forced to look her in the eye and say, “I understand that my actions may have upset you. Please work with me to resolve this.”)

Madonna apparently pinned the contract to the wall in their house, and every time Guy did something she didn’t like she would say, “Contract, Guy, contract.” No word on whether or not the contract included detailed instructions on how Guy was to remove his balls, or if Madonna just did that for him.