This all started when Katy Perry described herself as “a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.”

Lilly Allen responded by saying, “I happen to know for a fact that she was an American version of me….. She was signed by my label in America as ‘We need to find something controversial and kooky like Lily Allen.’ And then they found her.

“I think the lyrics and stuff are a bit crass… It’s like, you’re not English and you don’t write your own songs, shut up!”

And Perry responded to that by ripping out Lily Allen’s tongue and saying “Who’s crass now, bitch?”

Actually, Perry took the high road and admitted wrong doing. (Which confirms my suspicion that she’s not an actual celebrity.)

“I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny,” Perry explained. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously.”

No word on if anyone told Katy that comedians aren’t supposed to be taken seriously at all or pointed out that Perry was not actually a comedian to begin with.

Lily Allen presented at the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London this week, or she was supposed to. Instead, my alcoholic uncle who ruins every Thanksgiving showed up disguised as Lilly Allen.

First Allen got whatever the British call “drunk.” Bollucked? Wankered? Snootered? Snoggered?

Then she told Sir Elton John to “fuck off.” Good for her. I hate knights. They’re always assholes.

But my favorite moment is the reaction of Allen’s future sister-in-law, Jaime Winston, after Allen revealed Winston’s secret engagement to Alfie Allen on national television. Winston makes the exact same face I do after my uncle inevitably vomits all over the cranberry sauce during the Thanksgiving prayer.

Lilly Allen drunk punched a French heckler last night in Soho. According to The Sun, “The French girl provoked Lily by calling her a ‘f***ing a******e.’ She also egged her on with further insults, with a vexed Lily shouting back: ‘Yeah, come and say that to my face you f***ing ****.’’’ Lily then took three swings at the lady, afterwards wanting more and saying, “Where is that b**** man? I’ll f***ing batter her.” When did British women become so low class? Lily should have just stuck her nose in the air, said “Well, I never!” and then slapped the harlot in the face with a glove before being whisked away by horse and carriage. Lily Allen, a lady of proper breeding. Cherio!

Apparently this is the week of bad musical choices. First, Heidi Montag wants to record a Christian album. Then comes news that Def Leppard is doing a country show with Taylor Swift. Now we learn that Lilly Allen has decided it’s a good idea to do a duet with Lindsay Lohan for her new album. Next thing you know the New Kids on the Block with team up with New Edition or something…. Oh. Wait. Shit….