Dr. Phil’s mortal enemy, George Michael, was arrested again this weekend in London. He was reportedly issued a “caution” for possession of class A and C drugs. (Class A drugs are the good, old-fashioned, crack-cocaine level drugs.)

Glad to see the hard-hitting English justice system is still handing out “cautions” like there’s no tomorrow.

Michael released a statement:

“I want to apologize to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I’ll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.”

I too would like to apologize to my fans for screwing up again, but like I told the police, I should be able to use a hotdog bun in any fashion I desire in the privacy of my own home. And next time, I promise to close the front window blinds.

And sorry to everyone else in my neighborhood just for boring them. I had just taken a cold shower. I swear.

Poor Dr. Phil. Now that he can no longer summon the almighty power of Oprah, he’s been reduced to a fat, balding shell of his former self. How bad is it? So bad that George Michael called out Dr. Phil in front of thousands of fans at Michael’s concert Wednesday night at the Forum in Los Angeles. After announcing that Dr. Phil was in the audience, George Michael explained to the crowd that Dr. Phil’s wife seemed to be having a good time, but that Dr. Phil “has looked miserable for the last hour.” Then the house cameras caught a shot of Dr. Phil looking dour as advertised, prompting the crowd to boo. “You should see someone for that,” George Michael told the good doctor to thunderous applause. Thankfully, George Michael made it better by serenading him with “Careless Whisper” and then meeting him after the show in the Subway bathroom on Santa Monica and Highland for a complimentary tug job.