It’s called “Inspire.” Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Who cares?” And you would have a valid point. Yes, another celebrity is releasing a perfume. Big deal. But I can tell you what Inspire smells like. It smells like mustard.

“And how would you know that?” you must be thinking. “Did you go to the release party, or whatever they call it, at Macy’s in Glendale this weekend?”

The answer to that question, dear readers, is “no.” I know what Christina Aguilera’s perfume smells like because I lived in Pittsburgh for five years. And it’s a well-known fact in Xtina’s hometown that she smells like hotdogs.

There! The secret is finally out. Christina Aguilera’s natural body odor smells like a frankfurter. Ask anyone who knew someone who had a cousin she went to high school with. And if you ever get a chance to meet her, be sure to pelt her with diced onions.