First Miley “I only date guys who can’t hump me” Cyrus announced she was releasing her autobiography, and now 23-year-old Leona Lewis is belly-flopping into the unnecessary bio pool. Great, another thing to add to my Amzon.com Wish List.

But who needs all of those books when Sanjaya has announced that he too is writing an autobiography? Hopefully it will just be pages and pages about his hair, because that shit will win the Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, how can there be war when humanity has this gift to share?

All of these announcements are putting a lot of pressure on me to hurry and get through the book I’m reading now: Suri, The First Year, Volume One.

This is why I’ve been saving up all these years. Sanjaya of American Idol fame is releasing a new album. It’s called Dancing to the Music in My Head, a phrase commonly used by the homeless schizophrenics in my neighborhood.

You can listen to some of the “songs” on Amazon. But if you’d rather have someone defecate directly in your mouth, you’d get the gist. 

The most inventive thing about any of this album is that the record label is called “The Label.” Yeah, I know. That’s not really clever, but it will have to do. Of course, if you buy this album you probably can’t read labels to begin with. That’s why the album cover has all of those pretty colors, to attract the illiterates.