Kanye West recently announced that he was done with rap: “Taking a sample, looping it and doing all that ‘throw your hands up in the sky’ thing has become such a cliché. Hip-hop is over for me…. I now want to be grouped among those musicians you see in those old black-and-white photos– the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles. And I’m not going to get there by doing just another rap album full of samples.

“I’ve had to create a whole new musical genre to describe what I’m doing right now, and I’m calling it ‘pop-art,’ which is not to be confused with the visual art movement.”

Well then why don’t you come up with another name for this new style of music, Kanye? You’re the genius.

Looks like I’m done with Kanye West records.

Kanye West pulled himself away from his daily, 10-hour ritual of looking at himself in the mirror this week to tell everyone that he is the voice of our generation.

“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice,” he said on Wednesday. “It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”

At least he got the loud part right. I think I’m going to go ahead and hope Barrack Obama is the voice of this generation, as I’m assuming our President Elect knows how to use a toilet.

And I’m going to go even further and declare myself the sense of smell for this generation. And it smells like a big, wet noodle.

It appears that the rap game is getting a little more civilized these days. Suge Knight is going all Judge Wapner on Kanye West, suing West for damages that resulted when Knight got shot in the leg three years ago at an MTV Music Awards party.

While the assailant was never caught, Suge is claiming that Kanye is responsible since the shooter was able to get a gun past security.

Security was probably too busy cleaning up Kanye’s pee stains.

Suge is suing Kanye, The Shore Club in Miami, and some hotel group. That’s why I stay away from MTV parties, aside from the not being invited part.

Kanye West must be confused by those strange European toilets. While at the MTV Europe Awards, Kanye shocked fellow musicians the Ting Tings when he just whipped it out and peed all over the dressing room floor.

The Ting Tings drummer said of the incident: “We ask for a lot of unusual things on our backstage rider, but that wasn’t one of them.” That statement would be funny, except the Ting Tings drummer has obviously never seen R. Kelly’s backstage rider.

Apparently Kanye didn’t see the little tin sign on the back of the dressing room wall that said, “We don’t vacuum your toilet, so don’t pee on our carpet.”

It must be rough being a party planner for Kanye West: “Let’s see, do we have Chex mix? Check. Ice? Check. 40 naked women with wool masks on? Check.”

Kanye hosted a party last week to unveil his upcoming album, 808s and Heartbreak. A source said that “after waiting in an area with an open bar and a DJ, we walked up a driveway… to a darkened room where we saw 40 nude women. Most of them were wearing strange masks made of wool…. Then the entire album played without any introduction or explanation.”

Sounds like some Eyes Wide Shut kind of shit. Kanye later insisted the women were “live performance artists” and the whole thing was art.

When I first moved to Hollywood I too performed art at Kanye West parties. I was naked, but instead of a wool mask I wore a wig made out of spaghetti while a man named Stewart dropped scalding hot meatballs on my stomach. And Kanye West wasn’t there. And it wasn’t really a party per se, just me and Stewart at the Holloway Motel.

A few days after Britney Spears announced her new single would be delayed, Kanye West proclaimed his new record is done and ready to go out in November instead of December.

Kanye wrote on his blog:

“I CHANGED MY ALBUM TO NOVEMBER SOMETHING CAUSE I FINISHED THE ALBUM AND I FELT LIKE IT. I WANT YALL TO HEAR IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”

Britney Spears, inspired by Kanye’s professionalism, then declared that her delayed single, “Womanizer,” would be released two weeks ago, finally proving to Kevin Federline that time travel is possible.

Kanye West was arrested this morning at the Los Angeles International Airport. Kanye was reportedly upset when a paparazzo started snapping his picture in the American Airlines terminal. He threw the guy’s camera, only to realize that the incident was being filmed by a TMZ camera. Doh!

So Kanye’s assistant went for the video camera and smashed it to the ground. Kanye then told the TMZ cameraman to give him “the fucking tape.”

Kanye and his assistant were arrested for felony vandalism, but I think the sentence should be reduced to multiple counts of bad-assness on a camera.

Kanye has new respect from me, because he hires ninjas as his assistants. Most of the assistants I know are afraid of small dogs, pale from lack of sun, and smell like ham and cheese hot pockets. 

After being attacked by fans and media for showing up two hours late for his set at the Bonnaroo music festival (at 4:45 A.M.),  everyone’s favorite pretty, pretty princess, Kanye West, responded in typical diva fashion, posting the following rant on his website:

I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall… Why????  I understand if people don’t like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much,  But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. This is the most offended I’ve ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!   Call me any name you want…. arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of….  BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!   NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!  THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN!  LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I’M FLYING!  I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS.  JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, “KANYE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE.”  CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ?????????

It goes on from there. For the record, I just walked into a random room full of people and said out loud, “Kanye doesn’t care about giving a good performance.” The reaction involved a lot of screaming and my eventual arrest. According to my lawyer this has less to do with my statement about Kanye, and more to do with the fact that I was in the women’s locker room at Bally’s.

That doesn’t involve assault with an ashy elbow…. Amy called Kanye West a “cunt” on stage on Glastonbury. “Let’s hear it for Jay-Z,” Winehouse told the crowd. “The man has got bollocks to come here, and play the tunes you don’t even know you remember. Imagine if it was a cunt like Kanye West. ‘Cunts Like Kanye’ - that should be his next album title.” Sounds like a diva throwdown in the making. I could also venture a guess that every song ever written is a tune that Amy Winehouse doesn’t even know she remembers.