Here are five tips for enjoying Halloween courtesy of Somecodes:

1. Haunted Houses can be expensive and have long lines. If you want some real scares, take the kids to Sizzler instead.

2. Here’s a fun party game for the kids. Blindfold them and have them feel cold spaghetti noodles. Tell the kids they are touching intestines! Next, have them touch peeled grapes and say they are “eyeballs.” After that use the garbage disposal to replicate a school of piranhas.

3. Remember, nothing improves self-esteem more than dressing up like a slutty nurse, drinking until you vomit and passing out on a park bench.

4. You know what would be hilarious? Dressing up the dog in a costume.

5. The best Halloween costumes are the ones that are made using wit, creativity, and basic materials that can be found in the home, you cheap piece of shit.

And in honor of the most important holiday ever, I thought we’d take a look back at the scariest music stories of the year. (At least since we’ve been updating the gossip column.)

Mariah Carey wants to make a movie based on her Christmas album.

Heidi Montag to unleash a Christian album on the world.

Michael Jackson loves Frisbee and KFC….

…and he was supposedly bonin’ Pamela Anderson.

And imagine how horrifying it would be to work for Courtney Love.  

Yes, The Hills are still alive with the sound of regurgitation. Heidi Montag has released another song, her twelfth this week. What, does she not work?

Rather than post the “The Party’s Wherever I Am,” you’ll have listen to it here. I was going to post it, but I thought it would be more enjoyable to look at one of her slutty pictures. But that wasn’t doing it for me either, so I’m just going with this pic.

Ahhhh. Isn’t that nice? Pudding wrestling almost makes me forget that Heidi Montag even exists. But then there’s the douche bag sitting in the corner. Who in the hell wears socks in the pudding fight pit? Spencer Pratt. That’s who.

Heidi Montag unleashed the fourth sign of the apocalypse today. (If you believe that Demi Moore movie, that means Heidi’s got three videos left before Armageddon.)

Like a true professional, Heidi posted the video on her website before the music was synced up to the video correctly. So besides being absolutely craptastic, the video is plays in slow motion and lasts a good five minutes past the music.

When I was younger my basset hound, Ed Earl, would tell me to kill people. After watching this, I understand. I understand everything.

I posted Great Moments in Bad Music History about an hour too soon, because Heidi Montag has just upped the ante, big time. It’s called “Overdosin’,” which is perhaps the most appropriate name for a song of all time. After listening to this I’m so desperate to kill myself that I’ve swallowed an entire bottle of chewable vitamin C. (Don’t know if it will work, but it’s all I have handy.) Her singing voice just confirms my suspicions that this bitch is a malfunctioning sexbot from the future who has escaped to wreak havoc on all of mankind. Somebody get that android under control! This shit sounds like it should be over the end credits of Critters 3. 

Heidi Montag, a cast member of some show called The Hills, continues to remind me why I sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow just in case I need to suddenly off myself. She wants to record a Christian Album. “”I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” she told US magazine. Ironically, the Vatican announced that the actual release of this album will provide definitive proof that there is no God.

Or maybe fifteen more. And instead of vodka, make my screwdrivers with arsenic, please. Heidi Montag released a new song called “One More Drink.” I’ve gotten kicked out of Toy’s R Us for playing better music on one of those toddler Xylophones. But if you really want your face melted off Raider’s-of-the-Lost-Arc style: One More Drink (Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You)!