Apparently, there aren’t younger, less manly women willing to sleep with Alex Rodriguez. Maybe A-Rod just likes them bat-shit crazy. Maybe he’s just drunk off whatever the hell they put in Kabbalah water. 

Or maybe this is the first time A-Rod’s ever been in love. Did you bastards ever think about that? My first girlfriend was over 500 pounds, had a mustache and went by the name George, but I loved that woman with all my heart. And all her friends could do was criticize and tell her that she could do better.

So, now that I think about it, I’m with A-Rod on this one. Besides Madonna recently told a friend that A-Rod “has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body.” Sounds like love to me, haters.

George once said that I had the brain of a chipmunk trapped inside the body of a pelican. I miss her so much.

Guy Ritchie is able to see his two boys that he had with that Man Thing, Madonna, but under one condition. Actually under ten conditions, but who’s counting?

Madonna forwarded Guy an e-mail with a list. I would make some kind of smart-ass comment but I think the list speaks for itself. Enjoy:

Under no circumstances should (the boys) be allowed to read newspapers, magazines, or watch TV or DVDs.

They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food.

All water they drink, even when it is to dilute organic juice, should be Kabbalah water.

They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain any man-made fibers.

Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.

They should not be bought toys that are spiritually or ethically unsound.

Guy should not discuss the separation with them.

Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three or four times a day at times set by her.

The boys should not be introduced to Guy’s new friends, especially any new female friends.

Madonna has encouraged the access to give time with the boys, rather than his parents spending large amounts of time with them.

The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to organize security so that does not happen.

At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

Let me just warn all of you now… don’t marry Madonna. Whew. That was close. There is still hope for everyone except Guy Ritchie.

Besides having to be married to the sinewy, 80-year-old cult member all of these years, the last two years of Guy’s life have been overshadowed by a contract that he signed after he and the Material Girl attended marriage counseling.

According to sources, the contract stipulated the couple’s private time together, determined how often they would have sex, and instructed Guy on how to handle arguments. (Guy wasn’t allowed to shout at Madonna; instead, he was forced to look her in the eye and say, “I understand that my actions may have upset you. Please work with me to resolve this.”)

Madonna apparently pinned the contract to the wall in their house, and every time Guy did something she didn’t like she would say, “Contract, Guy, contract.” No word on whether or not the contract included detailed instructions on how Guy was to remove his balls, or if Madonna just did that for him.

Madonna kicked off her Sticky and Sweet tour in New York Saturday night with some venomous words for Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin.

“Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. It’s nothing personal,” Madonna told the crowd. “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile when it won’t start.” This was followed by a loud screeching noise.

After that zinger, Madonna went on to make jokes about Sarah Palin’s husband’s charcoal grill and John Deere riding lawn mower, before really cracking up the audience by smashing watermelons and various fruits with a large sledgehammer.

British musician James Morrison had a run-in with the Material Girl, and she was a complete be-yotch.

“I was recording in a studio in LA, and Madonna came in to speak to a producer, and someone asked if I wanted to meet her,” Morrison said. “I’m not her biggest fan, but thought I’d say ‘hello’ so I went over and said: ‘Hello, I’m James, nice to meet you,’ and put my hand out to shake hands.

“She just looked at it and said: ‘And what do you do?’ I told her I was a singer, and she just stared at me and didn’t say anything. It was really uncomfortable. Then she just ignored me…. She’s just rude. There’s no excuse for it.”

What did he expect? You can’t say “prima donna” without saying “Madonna.” I’m what’s known as a “postma donna.” I run the streets begging people to talk to me.  

“Film” director Guy Ritchie threw Madonna a surprise birthday party at a London club this week where Madonna partied with her back-up dancers and other “non-A-list” people. Festivities included Guy Ritchie’s half-hour speech that was probably more painful to sit through than Swept Away. Madonna and her posse drank “Crack Baby” shots throughout the night, which is supposedly made with vodka and champagne. They are actually made with the blood of real crack babies and meth-addict urine. That’s what keeps Madonna looking like an 87-year-old that has enough money to look 40, even though she is trying to look 23.  

According to multiple sources, Madonna and A-Rod have been spending a lot of time together. He went to her show. She went to his game. They both worked out at the gym. A-Rod’s also been spied leaving Madonna’s pad at midnight. Since they are both married, I’m sure this is just some whacky misunderstanding involving lots of hi-jinks and going-ons. I can only imagine the shenanigans these two have been up to. That A-Rod and Madonna. What cards!