After all it’s only been a month and a half since Britney Spear’s album, Circus, came out, and parents have already complained about the song “If You Seek Amy.”

The lyrics of the chorus go, “All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin’ to/ if you seek Amy.” Which, when pronounced, spells out the word “fuck.” Get it? F.U.C.K. me.

Anyway, one unidentified mom said, “I was astonished and totally taken aback when I heard my five and seven-year-old kids walking around the house singing, ‘F.U.C.K.’ When I asked them what it was, they told me it was Britney Spears. I was horrified.”

So let me get this straight; you buy your kids an album from a crazy, bald-headed chick who spent the last year beating up cars with umbrellas and flashing her cooter for the world to see, and you’re ”astonished” about this? Just a heads up, mom. Amy Winehouse does crack.  

Britney Spear’s dad, Jaime, just got a big ole hunk o’ pay raise for watching over his daughter. Yesterday the judge in Brit Brit’s conservatorship case awarded Papa an extra $6000 on top of the $10,000 a month he’s making now.

So that is why people have kids.

This must be reward for keeping Brit’s love muffin under wraps. I know I would deserve $16,00 a month for doing things like coming up with lists of possible dating/marketing partners and making Velveeta grits. Well done, sir! Well done!

I’m sure you’re anxious to know whether or not you made the list. “What list?” you ask. Why, the list Britney Spears’ Dad made of potential dating partners for Brit Brit.

So if you are Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalf, or Michael Phelps, congratulations, you will be hearing from Britney’s management regarding some very romantic business negotiations. It seems that Larry Rudolph, Brit’s manager, wants to use a new Britney relationship to promote her new album and tour.

So far the only taker has been Benji Madden. He and the Britstress have already gone on some dates. Isn’t that sweet? (I once used my relationship with a fat chick who worked at Long John Silvers to promote my “Nothing but Hushpuppies” diet.)

In order the keep Britney Spears safe from the harmful, dangerous world of drugs, all dancers for her upcoming tour are being tested, crushing the dreams of every crack-head street dancer from Los Angeles to New York. It seems the Spears camp wants to keep Britney from shaving off her weave.

On the down side, since drugs is one of the two food groups in Los Angeles (the other being Energy Drink), Britney Spears has been left without any dancers.

I’m happy to announce that I will be Britney Spears’ lone dancer on the world-wide tour. This also leaves me with choreographer duties. Get ready to see the Cabbage Patch dance make a big come back, as that is the only dance move I know. (I also know the worm, but ironically I must be on mass amounts of cocaine to pull that one off.)

Today the trial of the century resumes as a jury tries to decide if Britney Spears will or will not receive the death sentence for driving with an invalid license the day she was involved in a fender bender in August 07.

Today will be the third day of deliberations for the jury which is deadlocked 10-2. The trial is expected to last five weeks, a few days longer than the time she protested a parking ticket. It’s nice to see our taxes at work!  

But what should concern Britney fans even more than her potential public hanging is that Miller Coors LLC has decided to discontinue Zima, leaving Britney fans with nothing to drink and leaving me with one less option when trying to pick up high school girls.

Lynne Spears continues her gallant quest to whore out all of her children except for Brian. (Poor Brian, the guy must have no talent what-so-ever. He doesn’t even have a reality show for fuck’s sake.)

Lynne has been making the Hollywood rounds, trying to sell the movie rights to her tell-all book, Through the Storm. Reportedly she wants Julia Roberts to play her and Anna Farris to play Britney.

Why doesn’t Lynne just get Britney to play Britney and Jaime Lynn to play Jaime Lynn? I mean, if you’re going to exploit your children, do it right.

Meanwhile, I guess we’ll all just have to read about Brit’s pregnancy and Jaime’s drug use. Or is it the other way around? Jesus, we need this movie to clear things up. Now that I think about it, this will probably be the most important movie of all time. Give yourself a pat on the back, Lynne Spears. You’re a genius.

I say “2005” because this story would have been a lot more interesting back then. Nevertheless, this is the 3rd Britney Spears sex tape post in as many days, so I’m officially labeling it a “watch.”

So today word comes that a porn company has offered $10 million to Adnan Ghalib for the tape featuring Brit Spears in a pink wig and nothing else. Britney is now countering the offer in an attempt to keep the tape off the market.

For those of you not paying attention, first there was a sex tape. Then there wasn’t. Now there is again.

When, and if, we find out that that the homemade porno does exist, I will upgrade this post to a “warning” and make everybody get in the basement.

Sorry pervos, sources close to Britney Spears deny that there is any sex tape involving Spears and her ex, Adnan Ghalib.

Earlier this week, Adnan claimed he had made a two-hour tape during a trip to Mexico that featured Brit, a pink wig, and seventy-five gallons of Chunky Fajita Chicken Soup. (Okay, I made the soup part up).

So who to believe, a paparazzo with a soul patch or a pop star who actually dated a paparazzo with a soul patch?

I’m going to go with Britney on this one. But I will give Adnan the attention he so craves by writing his name three times in a row. Adnan, Adnan, Adnan. There you go, buddy. Now you can move on with your life.

Britney Spears’ ex-boyfriend, doucharazzi Adnan Ghalib, claims he has a sex tape staring Britney Spears.

“There is such a tape,” Adnan told Heat magazine. “But I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical inquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further. I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney.”

Reportedly, the sex tape is over two hours long and features Britney wearing a pink wig.

Two hours? Does anybody even want to watch five minutes of this shit? Not me. I’ll stick to my worn Victoria’s Secret catalogue from 1997. Yeah, that’s right. Before they airbrushed the nipples out.

Joy of joys, Britney Spear’s new single has been released today.

I really feel like my weeks of collaboration with Brit have resulted in a solid piece of music. I don’t know if if was the inspirational letters I wrote her every day, the endless phone calls, or the hopping over her backyard fence and trying to elude her rather violent and large security guards. Whatever I did, it paid off big time!  

I do have to say I am a bit disappointed that she didn’t use my suggested title, “Biscuit to Mars,” but “Womanizer” will do just fine. And this song has nothing to do with what the dog voices in my head suggested, but that’s okay. Those are my doggy demons, and I will deal with them.

So now that this is finally released, I can end my hunger strike, shave off my beard, and try to get out of this straight jacket they put me in.