Okay, so it’s no secret that Joaquin Phoenix is quitting Hollywood to become a musician full time. I guess that’s respectable enough. At least he’s not so full of himself that he has to do both. Could it actually be that a celebrity has some respect for the art of music?
Oh, wait a second. He’s doing a rap album. With the help of Diddy.
Great. I just vomited all over keyboard. I think I’ve had enough.
Apparently long second toes are P. Diddy’s kryptonite. On The Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week, Diddy refused to look at Kate Beckinsale’s feet for fear that he would see aforementioned long second toe.
When Kate moved her foot towards Diddy, he had to look away. Diddy explained that he only dates women whose feet he has actually seen: “I somehow get to see the toe on the first date- it’s mandatory. I may not go for a kiss, but I’m definitely going to see if that second toe is long.”
A long second toe? I don’t know what that even means. But for the record I only date women if I’ve had a good look at their inner ear. With my tongue.
Last week, Diddy alarmed the nation by flying commerical. Citizens sold their cars to send Diddy tanks of jet fuel. Nuns wept. Herds of lemmings threw themselves over cliffs (which I’m told happens anyway, but I like to think it was for the Puff.)
All for naught! It turns out Diddy doesn’t own a private jet! He just owns part of a jet. According to the Palm Beach Post, fractional owners pay for a limited number of flight hours. It’s like a time share for super douche bags.
I can’t believe Diddy would lie like that. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Next thing you know that tall, hot chick on I Want to Work for Diddy will turn out to actually be a dude.
This is why we need to come up with an alternative fuel source, right now! May I suggest thermal energy gleaned from burning copies of Da Band’s album?
Diddy released this video blog that was apparently shot by the same cameraman from Cloverfield. In it, Diddy complains that gas prices are “too motherfucking high,” and that it costs him $250,000 a month just to fly his private jet from New York to LA.
Remember when it was only like $75,000 a month to fly your private jet coast to coast? Diddy’s so flustered he can’t figure out how douchey he wants his hat to look.
Because the world just has to know, New York Magazine asked Sean (P. Diddy) Combs to come up with an Olympic Sport that he would have a chance to win. His answer: “Who could have sex the longest. I think that’s an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest. Just so you know, that’s supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious.” When asked who his competitors would be, he answered, “Whoever’s up for the challenge.” I’m all for sex events in the Olympics because that would mean sex in the Special Olympics too, where I would win the bronze in the Men’s Freestyle Solo category. And just so you know, that’s supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious.
