After being attacked by fans and media for showing up two hours late for his set at the Bonnaroo music festival (at 4:45 A.M.),  everyone’s favorite pretty, pretty princess, Kanye West, responded in typical diva fashion, posting the following rant on his website:

I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall… Why????  I understand if people don’t like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much,  But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. This is the most offended I’ve ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!   Call me any name you want…. arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of….  BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!   NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!  THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN!  LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I’M FLYING!  I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS.  JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, “KANYE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE.”  CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ?????????

It goes on from there. For the record, I just walked into a random room full of people and said out loud, “Kanye doesn’t care about giving a good performance.” The reaction involved a lot of screaming and my eventual arrest. According to my lawyer this has less to do with my statement about Kanye, and more to do with the fact that I was in the women’s locker room at Bally’s.

Authorities in Ohio arrested this psychotic gummi bear of a man, Rex Mettler, for felony stalking and making violent threats against teen pop stars Aly and Aj. Apparently, he had planned to kidnap, rape, and murder them. Mettler worked at a bottling plant in Ohio at the time of his arrest.  And they say you can’t bottle crazy. Actually, they don’t say that, but they should.

Now Joe Jackson (the father of Michael, not the shoeless guy who plays baseball) is getting a reality show. According to the press release, “The show will follow Joe as he manages and develops his stable of new artists while juggling his many new business ventures, including a new media content distribution deal, a record label, and a new clothing line.” I have to say, this sounds great for the senior Alzheimer demographic, not only because they are going to be the only ones old enough to actually relate to Joe Jackson, but because they don’t have to live with painful, painful memory of actually watching the show.

After a ten-year wait, Snoop Dogg has confirmed that Dr. Dre’s highly anticipated album, Detox, is finally finished. Speaking of Snoop Dogg, where has he been the last ten years? You’d think he would have taken off by now. That he’d have some hit records. Maybe even a movie role or two. You’d think that by now you wouldn’t be able to turn on the radio or television without hearing a song or seeing him on some lame commercial. Or that by now he would have at least sold out and starred in his very own asinine reality show. Or that he would be completely overexposed and perhaps even irritating. It’s too bad. I really thought he would have some kind of career at this point.

Justin Timberlake recently confessed that he suffers from both Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well as Attention Deficit Disorder. Cameron Diaz also has OCD. What a fun couple they must have been, constantly having their assistants alphabetize their CD collection while making sure their loose change stays polished and sorted according to size.

Boy George was denied a visa to perform in the United States this week. US officials cited his upcoming trial in London as the reason. He has been accused of chaining a male prostitute to a wall. I can relate. I was once denied a phone number from some hot girl for chaining my wallet to my pocket.

Those bastard Norwegians are up to it again, but this time the Purple One is having none of it. None of it! Apparently fifty artists covered fifty Prince tunes on a tribute album in celebration of Prince’s fiftieth birthday. The record hit #8 on the charts in Norway, right behind Songs for Squirrels by pop super-group Norway or the Highway. Prince hasn’t seen a penny and has sent his lawyers in for the kill, demanding that all records be destroyed. Stupid Norwegians. I hate those guys.

First Tim McGraw dispenses his own brand of redneck justice, now Amy Winehouse steps into the ring with her Crack Slap Power Punch. At Glastonbury this weekend Winehouse punched a fan who grabbed her breasts. He’s lucky that his hand didn’t get caught in her hair and eaten off by the squirrels that live there and guard her meth.

Heidi Montag, a cast member of some show called The Hills, continues to remind me why I sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow just in case I need to suddenly off myself. She wants to record a Christian Album. “”I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” she told US magazine. Ironically, the Vatican announced that the actual release of this album will provide definitive proof that there is no God.

That doesn’t involve assault with an ashy elbow…. Amy called Kanye West a “cunt” on stage on Glastonbury. “Let’s hear it for Jay-Z,” Winehouse told the crowd. “The man has got bollocks to come here, and play the tunes you don’t even know you remember. Imagine if it was a cunt like Kanye West. ‘Cunts Like Kanye’ - that should be his next album title.” Sounds like a diva throwdown in the making. I could also venture a guess that every song ever written is a tune that Amy Winehouse doesn’t even know she remembers.