Janet Jackson was released from a Montreal hospital just hours after she had become ill during a sound check.

An inside source revealed that Janet was suffering from “exhaustion” and was therefore forced to cancel her concert that evening.

Exhaustion is no laughing matter. Studies show that one of every three celebrities suffers from this crippling disease. Symptoms can include heavy eyelids, shirking of responsibilities, and statements like, “Man, I’m really exhausted,” immediately followed by exaggerated yawning.

I was really hoping that Janet was just trying to lure Jermaine Dupri to the hospital for a revenge puke attack.

Sorry pervos, sources close to Britney Spears deny that there is any sex tape involving Spears and her ex, Adnan Ghalib.

Earlier this week, Adnan claimed he had made a two-hour tape during a trip to Mexico that featured Brit, a pink wig, and seventy-five gallons of Chunky Fajita Chicken Soup. (Okay, I made the soup part up).

So who to believe, a paparazzo with a soul patch or a pop star who actually dated a paparazzo with a soul patch?

I’m going to go with Britney on this one. But I will give Adnan the attention he so craves by writing his name three times in a row. Adnan, Adnan, Adnan. There you go, buddy. Now you can move on with your life.

Apparently, Jermaine Dupri’s 36th birthday party either got out of hand or was totally off the hook, depending on what side of the hold it in/ let it out debate you fall on.

The other night, Dupri drank so much champagne and tequila that he hurled right into the lap of Janet, Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty (and drunk.) Reportedly, Janet immediately bolted the scene.   

I think Janet overreacted a bit. It’s just a little man bile, that’s all. Puking is part of any mature, adult relationship. And if it makes Janet feel any better, after two years, my girlfriend still throws up every time she sees me naked.

Britney Spears’ ex-boyfriend, doucharazzi Adnan Ghalib, claims he has a sex tape staring Britney Spears.

“There is such a tape,” Adnan told Heat magazine. “But I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical inquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further. I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney.”

Reportedly, the sex tape is over two hours long and features Britney wearing a pink wig.

Two hours? Does anybody even want to watch five minutes of this shit? Not me. I’ll stick to my worn Victoria’s Secret catalogue from 1997. Yeah, that’s right. Before they airbrushed the nipples out.

Proving that there is absolutely nothing to do in Canada, Jessica Simpson played to a sold-out audience at the Caesers Windsor casino on Thursday. And when I say “sold out,” I mean full of gamblers who got free tickets.

Predictably, the concert received a scathing review from The Windsor Star. Like recent reviews in other papers, the critic complains about Jessica’s rambling introductions to all of her songs.

At one point, while introducing the spousal-abuse single “Remember That,” Simpson told the audience to walk away if they are in an abusive relationship, adding, “preferably in a pair of Jessica Simpson boots.”

Ah, there’s nothing like exploiting battered women to sell a fashion line. I’m surprised she didn’t tell her audience that if they couldn’t get out of the relationship they could just cut their wrists open using the jagged edge of a broken Blonde Ambition DVD.

Then again, the five people who bought that movie probably already killed themselves after watching it.

Joy of joys, Britney Spear’s new single has been released today.

I really feel like my weeks of collaboration with Brit have resulted in a solid piece of music. I don’t know if if was the inspirational letters I wrote her every day, the endless phone calls, or the hopping over her backyard fence and trying to elude her rather violent and large security guards. Whatever I did, it paid off big time!  

I do have to say I am a bit disappointed that she didn’t use my suggested title, “Biscuit to Mars,” but “Womanizer” will do just fine. And this song has nothing to do with what the dog voices in my head suggested, but that’s okay. Those are my doggy demons, and I will deal with them.

So now that this is finally released, I can end my hunger strike, shave off my beard, and try to get out of this straight jacket they put me in.

At first I thought, “So Ed McMahon is losing his $4.6 million dollar home. Big deal.” At the time, I lived in a box near the fountain in Griffith Park. And then some asshole park employee threw my box house away, and I suddenly understood what Ed was going through.

Then, to make matters worse, the man who made a living kissing Johnny Carson’s ass got bailed out by Donald Trump, so now he’s got that asshole as his landlord.

But none of that seems as humiliating as being forced to rap in viral videos for FreeCreditReport.com. I guess the only money Ed can make is by dropping science about his financial woes.

I’m sorry, is this 1997? You would think by now we’d have another go-to music genre for comedy. How about having Ed McMahon do some techno or something? The guy could probably use a couple hits of Ecstasy at this point.

A pool house at the Atlanta home of Ludacris went up in flames on Wednesday night.

The pool house, which was bigger than most human houses, was completely destroyed by a fire that took 30 minutes to extinguish.

Ludacris wasn’t at home, and no one was injured; however, sources say that Ludacris’ prized collection of Care Bear arm floats was destroyed.

According to reports, Ludacris is curretnly at work furiously laying plastic carpet protectors in the main house so that people don’t “get the damn carpet wet and track in mud and stuff” when using the bathroom.

A few days after Britney Spears announced her new single would be delayed, Kanye West proclaimed his new record is done and ready to go out in November instead of December.

Kanye wrote on his blog:

“I CHANGED MY ALBUM TO NOVEMBER SOMETHING CAUSE I FINISHED THE ALBUM AND I FELT LIKE IT. I WANT YALL TO HEAR IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”

Britney Spears, inspired by Kanye’s professionalism, then declared that her delayed single, “Womanizer,” would be released two weeks ago, finally proving to Kevin Federline that time travel is possible.

Mariah Carey is developing a movie based on her top-selling 1994 album Merry Christmas.

“Since I recorded the Christmas album, I’ve always wanted to make a movie to go with it, something that people could watch and hear and enjoy every year I’m into it. I’m all about the holiday season,” Mariah Carey recently explained to anyone who would listen.

The script is being “written,” and apparently Mariah’s character will try and stop evil property developers from turning her hometown into a giant shopping mall.

I don’t buy it. Mariah is the type of girl who would be all for a new shopping mall. If she couldn’t sing she’d probably be working at the Pretzel Time and trading blow jobs for discounts at Hot Topic.

Look for the movie to be released straight to DVD sometime in May.