Okay, so it’s no secret that Joaquin Phoenix is quitting Hollywood to become a musician full time. I guess that’s respectable enough. At least he’s not so full of himself that he has to do both. Could it actually be that a celebrity has some respect for the art of music?
Oh, wait a second. He’s doing a rap album. With the help of Diddy.
Great. I just vomited all over keyboard. I think I’ve had enough.
First Miley “I only date guys who can’t hump me” Cyrus announced she was releasing her autobiography, and now 23-year-old Leona Lewis is belly-flopping into the unnecessary bio pool. Great, another thing to add to my Amzon.com Wish List.
But who needs all of those books when Sanjaya has announced that he too is writing an autobiography? Hopefully it will just be pages and pages about his hair, because that shit will win the Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, how can there be war when humanity has this gift to share?
All of these announcements are putting a lot of pressure on me to hurry and get through the book I’m reading now: Suri, The First Year, Volume One.
Amy Winehouse has been terrorizing guests and staff at a posh spa resort in the Caribbean. Intended on being part of a “health kick,” the trip has turned into a nightmare for all involved.
Despite an agreement between Amy’s management and the resort staff to ban alcohol service to Winehouse, she keeps getting a hold of drinks anyway she can. According to one source: “We keep catching her crawling past bars or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”
She’s also been smoking joints by the pool, prone to violent mood swings, throwing herself at every man she can, and much to the horror of everyone, hanging out on her balcony playing the guitar topless. And now Winehouse has announced that she’s expanding her two-week vacation for two more months.
I have nothing to add to this except… wait a second. Who the fuck took my beer? It was right here a second ago… It couldn’t have just vanished… AMMMMYYYY!!!!!!!!
See what happens when all you read about is mindless celebrity gossip? Your brain turns to mush. Later I’m going to do some research and find out exactly what this “President” person does.
Anyway, it appears Obama’s presidential inauguration is shaping up quite nicely. The list of musical performers includes Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Bono, Garth Brooks (still alive!), Sheryl Crow, Herbie Hancock, John Legend, John Mellencamp, Usher, Shakira, Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, Will.i.am, and Stevie Wonder, as well as others.
It reads like the guest list to my last birthday party, just substitute all the celebrity names with the names of my Care Bears. Oh, but keep Will.i.am. He showed up but didn’t bring a gift.
Ringo Starr is still pretending that people care about drummers. Last October Ringo told fans via his website that he was done signing things. Apparently he’s not happy about people selling his autograph on Ebay.
That’s the old news. The new news is that because of the angry reaction from fans over his no-autograph policy, Ringo has not made an on-line appearance since.
A close source to Ringo explains: “Ringo used to enjoy telling fans about his plans, but he was pretty shocked by the hostility he faced over the autograph thing. As a result, he’s reluctant to appear on the website again.”
Great, there goes my Ringo-Starr-autographed oven mitt get-rich-quick scheme.
Since it’s Friday, I think I’ll take a break from the usual celebrity idiocy and do a non-music story about Pennsylvania’s cultural heritage.
Apparently a rash of violence has overtaken a Chuck E. Cheese in Susquehanna Township, Pennsylvania. Police have been called to the restaurant on Union Deposit Road (yes, that’s a real road name) 12 times in the past year for everything from theft to assault. In one Saturday night brawl five adults and a juvenile were arrested.
The year before, police were called to the same location 18 times!
The Police Chief attributes the violence to people who “bump into each other” and divorced parents getting into arguments at birthday parties. An April 4th incident involved a man slapping his estranged wife in the head at their child’s party.
I’m not sure what this means for the Susquehanna leg of Sanjaya’s nationwide Chuck E. Cheese tour, but it can’t be good. (See, I managed to get a little music joke in there.)
After all it’s only been a month and a half since Britney Spear’s album, Circus, came out, and parents have already complained about the song “If You Seek Amy.”
The lyrics of the chorus go, “All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin’ to/ if you seek Amy.” Which, when pronounced, spells out the word “fuck.” Get it? F.U.C.K. me.
Anyway, one unidentified mom said, “I was astonished and totally taken aback when I heard my five and seven-year-old kids walking around the house singing, ‘F.U.C.K.’ When I asked them what it was, they told me it was Britney Spears. I was horrified.”
So let me get this straight; you buy your kids an album from a crazy, bald-headed chick who spent the last year beating up cars with umbrellas and flashing her cooter for the world to see, and you’re ”astonished” about this? Just a heads up, mom. Amy Winehouse does crack.
In a new interview Lily Allen gives us her view of drugs because we all really want to know:
“The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you- you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that’s not true. I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work. But we never hear that side of the story. I wish people wouldn’t sensationalize it. Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”
Wow, Lily Allen knows people who do cocaine and still get up and go to work. I tried coke once, cleaned my apartment, took my dogs for a walk, alphabetized my DVD collection, brushed my teeth seven times, called every contact in my cell phone, learned how to juggle, then went to work for 17 hours. And it was the weekend. Work wasn’t even open.
Allen admitted in the interview that she did cocaine to try and fit in, but didn’t like it very much. Of course, everyone is pissed about the interview. (Allen also slams Christianity.) I guess some people are just bad at keeping their mouth shut.
This is why I’ve been saving up all these years. Sanjaya of American Idol fame is releasing a new album. It’s called Dancing to the Music in My Head, a phrase commonly used by the homeless schizophrenics in my neighborhood.
You can listen to some of the “songs” on Amazon. But if you’d rather have someone defecate directly in your mouth, you’d get the gist.
The most inventive thing about any of this album is that the record label is called “The Label.” Yeah, I know. That’s not really clever, but it will have to do. Of course, if you buy this album you probably can’t read labels to begin with. That’s why the album cover has all of those pretty colors, to attract the illiterates.
If the police ever approach you at LAX and say, “Hey, you look like an annoying teen star,” run for your life.
Adessa Eskridge has filed a claim against the Los Angeles Police Department. Apparently, she was on a just-landed flight with Britney Spear’s ever-pregnant little sis, Jaime Lynn, when the cops told her to put on her sunglasses, ordered her to follow them, and marched her through a scrum of paparazzi as a Jaime Lynn decoy.
The cops didn’t tell Adessa what was happening until about three seconds before she was swarmed by the paps. Adessa is seeking more than $100,000 for the incident claiming that afterwords she was humiliated all over the World Wide Web.
If only Barbara Streisand and Steve Buscemi would have a child so I could get in on this amateur celebrity decoy action.
