In order the keep Britney Spears safe from the harmful, dangerous world of drugs, all dancers for her upcoming tour are being tested, crushing the dreams of every crack-head street dancer from Los Angeles to New York. It seems the Spears camp wants to keep Britney from shaving off her weave.

On the down side, since drugs is one of the two food groups in Los Angeles (the other being Energy Drink), Britney Spears has been left without any dancers.

I’m happy to announce that I will be Britney Spears’ lone dancer on the world-wide tour. This also leaves me with choreographer duties. Get ready to see the Cabbage Patch dance make a big come back, as that is the only dance move I know. (I also know the worm, but ironically I must be on mass amounts of cocaine to pull that one off.)