John Mayer reportedly skipped out on Pete Wentz’s art show early because he didn’t want to bump into his ex, Jessica Simpson. Mayer showed up at Gallery1988 to support Pete’s art extravaganza “Without You I’m Just Me,” but left before the VIP portion of the evening began for fear of getting caught up in one of Jessica’s brilliant soliloquies on the nature of art and creativity.

I know that every time I’m invited to a crappy event like a Pete Wentz art show I use the same excuse. “You want me to go see Valkyrie? I’m sorry. I don’t want to bump into Jessica Simpson.”

And with that, I’m riding off into 2009 on my alcohol horse. Happy New Year’s everyone.

If you don’t have an exquisite vagina, then this story does not apply to you. See, only the most precious of love muffins can use the Little Steel Tonight Vibrator, market price—about $1400. It’s made of solid steel and has a band of 28 diamonds.

“What does this have to do with music?” you ask. Well the vibrator is designed and marketed by The Eurhythmics’ Dave Stewart. The vibrator also has a guitar pick attached and the lyrics to Stewart’s latest song, “Let’s Do it Again” etched into the steel. Get it?

People who buy the vibrator also get a code to let them download Stewart’s song. Gee. That alone is worth the $1400. Sign me up.

There are rampant rumors that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s marriage is on the rocks, but I won’t believe it until I see it. And if all goes well, we’ll be seeing it Valentine’s Day on stage at Madison Square Garden.

Or at least 20 or 30 people will be seeing it. Reports are that Lopez and Anthony will sing a surprise duet to each other on stage then announce their divorce. And then what? Are the audience members are supposed to cry? I’m not sure what reaction she’s going for here other than “attention.”

Lopez also announced her pregnancy onstage, so if these two are getting divorced, I wouldn’t doubt this rumor for a second. If Jennifer Lopez wasn’t famous she’d be that weird neighbor that comes over all the time under the pretense of borrowing some sugar, traps you in the kitchen, and then goes on for hours about her urinary tract infection.

And here’s my gift to you, a Eurodance version of Wham’s “Last Christmas.” So break out your red and green glow sticks, spike the eggnog with ecstasy, and invite over your weird, creepy ambiguously European neighbor for some holiday cheer!  

Britney Spear’s dad, Jaime, just got a big ole hunk o’ pay raise for watching over his daughter. Yesterday the judge in Brit Brit’s conservatorship case awarded Papa an extra $6000 on top of the $10,000 a month he’s making now.

So that is why people have kids.

This must be reward for keeping Brit’s love muffin under wraps. I know I would deserve $16,00 a month for doing things like coming up with lists of possible dating/marketing partners and making Velveeta grits. Well done, sir! Well done!

While John Mayer’s man-juice receptacle, Jennifer Aniston, is in NYC promoting her new movie about dogs, Sex in the City, I mean, Marley and Me, she has to leave her dogs, Norman and Dolly, back home. All because John Mayer hates dogs.

John Mayer also hated Jessica Simpson’s dog, Daisy. Probably because he couldn’t tell the difference between the two.

Man, I’m realty being nasty so close to Christmas. I’m sorry, and in the spirit of Christmas, I’d really like to apologize for this post. Except John Mayer is a douche, and even Santa hates douches.

This shit is at least 8 years old, but the look is timeless. And believe it or not these guys aren’t from Jersey, they’re from Canada. This is B4-4. Get it? Because there’s three of them. Their name also makes a great vanity license plate.

These cool guys got a record deal by wandering into the Sony Records Toronto office and performing for the A&R head and chief engineer. Obviously the Sony Records Toronto office needs to ramp up security a little bit.

That said, there’s something infectious about this song. Because you get herpes after listening to it. Enjoy. Hope this doesn’t ruin your weekend.

I’m sure you’re anxious to know whether or not you made the list. “What list?” you ask. Why, the list Britney Spears’ Dad made of potential dating partners for Brit Brit.

So if you are Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalf, or Michael Phelps, congratulations, you will be hearing from Britney’s management regarding some very romantic business negotiations. It seems that Larry Rudolph, Brit’s manager, wants to use a new Britney relationship to promote her new album and tour.

So far the only taker has been Benji Madden. He and the Britstress have already gone on some dates. Isn’t that sweet? (I once used my relationship with a fat chick who worked at Long John Silvers to promote my “Nothing but Hushpuppies” diet.)

Lily Allen says Lily Allen sucks. Talking about her failed BBC talk show, Lily Allen and Friends, Allen gave herself a generous 5 out of 10.

But, in her words, “I made a lot of money out of it. Thank you, TV license-payers, that was very nice of you. You think Russell Brand is your problem but actually it was me.”

It’s not that I refuse to believe that Lily Allen’s show sucked. It’s that I refuse to believe Lily Allen has any friends. Because I have no friends, and I’m prettier. Okay, that’s not true. I’m not prettier. And my breath smells like baloney and Doritos. And I have an unborn twin brother growing out of my left side.

But at least I still have my dignity.

This story is kind of nefarious at best, but this is one of the few times I’ve used a reputable news source (UPI), so we’ll go with it.

It seems that being named “Sinatra” in New York entitles you to all kinds of shit, both good and bad, whether you want it or not. For instance, Francis P. Sinatra Jr. of New Jersey got a free meal at New York’s Rainbow Room because management wrongly assumed that he was the grandson of the famous Frank Sinatra.

And then there’s Francesco Sinatra Sr. of Staten Island who claims that Tony Danza stalked him in 2005 because of his name. Apparently Danza was obsessed with meeting a relative of Frank Sinatra’s and kept pressuring Francesco to meet, except  Francesco is also not related to the Chairman of the Board. Did Danza just randomly looks up “Sinatra” in the phone book or something?

Of course, I too am often the victim of mistaken identity. My last name is Yankovic.