Scarlet Johansson is going to make us wait for another album. Her first album of Tom Waits covers, Anywhere I Lay My Head, was life changing for a lot of people. And by “life changing” I mean they killed themselves after listening to it.

Scarlet told MTV recently that she’s not done.

But alas, Scarlet Johansson music fan (wherever you are), Scarlet says she wants to take her time on this next one: “I don’t think I’d do covers, so it’d be a project that I have to dedicate myself to. I feel like that’s something for the future.”

Here’s something else for the future, singing robots. That way we never have to deal with something like this again. How I envy my children.

Apparently long second toes are P. Diddy’s kryptonite. On The Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week, Diddy refused to look at Kate Beckinsale’s feet for fear that he would see aforementioned long second toe.

When Kate moved her foot towards Diddy, he had to look away. Diddy explained that he only dates women whose feet he has actually seen: “I somehow get to see the toe on the first date- it’s mandatory. I may not go for a kiss, but I’m definitely going to see if that second toe is long.”

A long second toe? I don’t know what that even means. But for the record I only date women if I’ve had a good look at their inner ear. With my tongue.

You know the economy is failing when you can’t whore out your own baby. And it looks like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are going to continually supply me with material whether I like it or not. (“Not” is the answer to that question.)

Seems these two douche bags can’t get any tabloids or magazines to pony up some money for exclusive pics of baby Brooklyn Nemo, or whatever the hell its name is. Apparently Wentz and Simpson covers don’t move magazines.

Maybe Wentz should just start charging cover to see the baby in person since he claims that there’s a non-stop surge of people lining up to get a glimpse of the little turd machine.  

Slow news days make me bitter.

This all started when Katy Perry described herself as “a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.”

Lilly Allen responded by saying, “I happen to know for a fact that she was an American version of me….. She was signed by my label in America as ‘We need to find something controversial and kooky like Lily Allen.’ And then they found her.

“I think the lyrics and stuff are a bit crass… It’s like, you’re not English and you don’t write your own songs, shut up!”

And Perry responded to that by ripping out Lily Allen’s tongue and saying “Who’s crass now, bitch?”

Actually, Perry took the high road and admitted wrong doing. (Which confirms my suspicion that she’s not an actual celebrity.)

“I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny,” Perry explained. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously.”

No word on if anyone told Katy that comedians aren’t supposed to be taken seriously at all or pointed out that Perry was not actually a comedian to begin with.

In order the keep Britney Spears safe from the harmful, dangerous world of drugs, all dancers for her upcoming tour are being tested, crushing the dreams of every crack-head street dancer from Los Angeles to New York. It seems the Spears camp wants to keep Britney from shaving off her weave.

On the down side, since drugs is one of the two food groups in Los Angeles (the other being Energy Drink), Britney Spears has been left without any dancers.

I’m happy to announce that I will be Britney Spears’ lone dancer on the world-wide tour. This also leaves me with choreographer duties. Get ready to see the Cabbage Patch dance make a big come back, as that is the only dance move I know. (I also know the worm, but ironically I must be on mass amounts of cocaine to pull that one off.)

It’s called “Inspire.” Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Who cares?” And you would have a valid point. Yes, another celebrity is releasing a perfume. Big deal. But I can tell you what Inspire smells like. It smells like mustard.

“And how would you know that?” you must be thinking. “Did you go to the release party, or whatever they call it, at Macy’s in Glendale this weekend?”

The answer to that question, dear readers, is “no.” I know what Christina Aguilera’s perfume smells like because I lived in Pittsburgh for five years. And it’s a well-known fact in Xtina’s hometown that she smells like hotdogs.

There! The secret is finally out. Christina Aguilera’s natural body odor smells like a frankfurter. Ask anyone who knew someone who had a cousin she went to high school with. And if you ever get a chance to meet her, be sure to pelt her with diced onions.

Boy George’s reign of hooker terror has come to an end after being found guilty for chaining a male escort to his wall and beating him down with a chain.

The prostitute claimed that Boy George accused him of messing up George’s computer and so brought a dish of chain-smack-down to the party. Boy George’s defense was that he is too fat to whip a prostitute with a chain and that the hooker had HIV, and thus the bruises.

The judge didn’t buy it and told Chubs that’s he’s probably going to jail. Now all you hookers can breathe a sigh of relief. It’s a brand new day. Now get back out there and hook like you’ve never hooked in your life!

I swear this is my last Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz post. Of course I swore every Zima was my last, but it wasn’t until they stopped making it that I switched over to Boone’s Farm.

Anyway, Pete told Details that after some embarrassing nude photos appeared on the internet in 2006 (embarrassing for both him and everyone else in the world), Ashlee Simpson called him up and made him feel better.

That must have been easy. Ashlee: “So your cocktail sausage is on the internet. Big deal. Try having a dumb whore for a sister who is more famous than you are. And have you seen my nose lately? Why don’t you come over and we can watch Jungle Book and try to come up with some baby names?”

Kanye West recently announced that he was done with rap: “Taking a sample, looping it and doing all that ‘throw your hands up in the sky’ thing has become such a cliché. Hip-hop is over for me…. I now want to be grouped among those musicians you see in those old black-and-white photos– the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles. And I’m not going to get there by doing just another rap album full of samples.

“I’ve had to create a whole new musical genre to describe what I’m doing right now, and I’m calling it ‘pop-art,’ which is not to be confused with the visual art movement.”

Well then why don’t you come up with another name for this new style of music, Kanye? You’re the genius.

Looks like I’m done with Kanye West records.

…in the ocean. Robbie Williams, who once had a singing career, is now focused on finding UFOs. But instead of searching for them where most of us would look, he’s concentrating his search for Unidentified Submerged Objects (USOs) in the expanse of Pacific Ocean between Malibu and Catalina Island in Southern California.

“This is mental, but I don’t care. We are renting some jet skis, and we are going to go from Marina Del Rey to Catalina,” Williams said. “I heard about these sightings at Malibu of things going into the water. I thought it would be quite exciting to be on a very small object very high over the ocean floor knowing there might be something down there.”

I’m not sure it’s as much crazy as it is misguided. Tom Cruise going for a swim doesn’t count as an alien sighting just because he worships them. Although it could have very possibly been one of the Olsen twins. Now there’s some alien-looking chicks.