There are rampant rumors that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s marriage is on the rocks, but I won’t believe it until I see it. And if all goes well, we’ll be seeing it Valentine’s Day on stage at Madison Square Garden.

Or at least 20 or 30 people will be seeing it. Reports are that Lopez and Anthony will sing a surprise duet to each other on stage then announce their divorce. And then what? Are the audience members are supposed to cry? I’m not sure what reaction she’s going for here other than “attention.”

Lopez also announced her pregnancy onstage, so if these two are getting divorced, I wouldn’t doubt this rumor for a second. If Jennifer Lopez wasn’t famous she’d be that weird neighbor that comes over all the time under the pretense of borrowing some sugar, traps you in the kitchen, and then goes on for hours about her urinary tract infection.

Let me just warn all of you now… don’t marry Madonna. Whew. That was close. There is still hope for everyone except Guy Ritchie.

Besides having to be married to the sinewy, 80-year-old cult member all of these years, the last two years of Guy’s life have been overshadowed by a contract that he signed after he and the Material Girl attended marriage counseling.

According to sources, the contract stipulated the couple’s private time together, determined how often they would have sex, and instructed Guy on how to handle arguments. (Guy wasn’t allowed to shout at Madonna; instead, he was forced to look her in the eye and say, “I understand that my actions may have upset you. Please work with me to resolve this.”)

Madonna apparently pinned the contract to the wall in their house, and every time Guy did something she didn’t like she would say, “Contract, Guy, contract.” No word on whether or not the contract included detailed instructions on how Guy was to remove his balls, or if Madonna just did that for him.