Dr. Phil’s mortal enemy, George Michael, was arrested again this weekend in London. He was reportedly issued a “caution” for possession of class A and C drugs. (Class A drugs are the good, old-fashioned, crack-cocaine level drugs.)

Glad to see the hard-hitting English justice system is still handing out “cautions” like there’s no tomorrow.

Michael released a statement:

“I want to apologize to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I’ll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.”

I too would like to apologize to my fans for screwing up again, but like I told the police, I should be able to use a hotdog bun in any fashion I desire in the privacy of my own home. And next time, I promise to close the front window blinds.

And sorry to everyone else in my neighborhood just for boring them. I had just taken a cold shower. I swear.

You know what helps me when I get arrested? I put a little Post-it note on my bathroom mirror that says “Don’t get arrested again.” That way, when I wake up in the morning and gargle, I remember to try my very, very best not to get incarcerated a second, third, or even fourth time. Apparently, DMX, doesn’t have any Post-its because for the second time this week he’s been thrown in the slammer, this time for buying drugs from an undercover cop. You’d think someone that rich would have someone buy their drugs for them, but DMX seems to be one taco short of a combination plate.

First Tim McGraw dispenses his own brand of redneck justice, now Amy Winehouse steps into the ring with her Crack Slap Power Punch. At Glastonbury this weekend Winehouse punched a fan who grabbed her breasts. He’s lucky that his hand didn’t get caught in her hair and eaten off by the squirrels that live there and guard her meth.

That doesn’t involve assault with an ashy elbow…. Amy called Kanye West a “cunt” on stage on Glastonbury. “Let’s hear it for Jay-Z,” Winehouse told the crowd. “The man has got bollocks to come here, and play the tunes you don’t even know you remember. Imagine if it was a cunt like Kanye West. ‘Cunts Like Kanye’ - that should be his next album title.” Sounds like a diva throwdown in the making. I could also venture a guess that every song ever written is a tune that Amy Winehouse doesn’t even know she remembers.

Rapper DMX was arrested on Monday for driving without a valid driver’s license in Miami. Last month he was arrested twice in one week, once for reckless driving and once for illegal drug and firearm possession and mistreatment of animals. The week before that, he was arrested for impersonating someone we should care about.