John Mayer reportedly skipped out on Pete Wentz’s art show early because he didn’t want to bump into his ex, Jessica Simpson. Mayer showed up at Gallery1988 to support Pete’s art extravaganza “Without You I’m Just Me,” but left before the VIP portion of the evening began for fear of getting caught up in one of Jessica’s brilliant soliloquies on the nature of art and creativity.

I know that every time I’m invited to a crappy event like a Pete Wentz art show I use the same excuse. “You want me to go see Valkyrie? I’m sorry. I don’t want to bump into Jessica Simpson.”

And with that, I’m riding off into 2009 on my alcohol horse. Happy New Year’s everyone.

While John Mayer’s man-juice receptacle, Jennifer Aniston, is in NYC promoting her new movie about dogs, Sex in the City, I mean, Marley and Me, she has to leave her dogs, Norman and Dolly, back home. All because John Mayer hates dogs.

John Mayer also hated Jessica Simpson’s dog, Daisy. Probably because he couldn’t tell the difference between the two.

Man, I’m realty being nasty so close to Christmas. I’m sorry, and in the spirit of Christmas, I’d really like to apologize for this post. Except John Mayer is a douche, and even Santa hates douches.

Let’s just make this an all-Simpson Thanksgiving. First of all, it appears I’ve been spelling Ashlee Simpson’s name wrong this whole time. But apparently so did the cover of OK! Magazine, and now someone from the mag is getting fired because of how that dipshit spells her name. I should have figured that walking advertisement for nose jobs would have some kind of obnoxious spelling.

In other tales of predictable Simpson stupidity, Russian movie star Jessica recently visited a Nike store and asked the sales associate where the Adidas sweatpants were. When the store employee told here they were probably at the Adidas Store, Jessica thought he was joking.

Fuck. If there is one thing you would think Jessica could do right, it would be something like shopping. She probably goes to dollar-only stores and keeps asking the clerks how much everything is.

Anyway, everyone have a great Thanksgiving and feel better knowing that no matter how shit-faced you get tonight, you’ll still be smarter than the entire Simpson clan, except maybe Bronx.

On the Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson told Ellen that her sister, Ashley, was about to induce labor because the baby refuses to come out. I guess we know that the baby is already smatter than Jessica.  

“They’re going to have to. It’s already developing really quick,” said Jessica. Jessica then said that Ashley and her husband Pete Wentz have tried other ways to get the thing out: “Different foot massages and stuff. I don’t know. I think she’s really just jumping around trying everything right now.”

That’s how we do it where I’m from, Indiana. We make the pregnant women jump around until the baby falls out. If that doesn’t work, we give foot massages. If that doesn’t work, we induce labor via the trauma of having to listen to Ashley Simpson sing. Ironic.

Look, when your best friends with Russia’s #1 movie star, you’re occasionally going to get smacked across the face with a camera. It happens.

Ken Paves, BFF to Jessica Simpson, got jacked by a paparazzo’s camera as he and Ashley Simpson’s less talented sibling were leaving a restaurant early Sunday morning.

Paves was rushed to the hospital where he received 9 stitches in the dome. Paves said about the incident: “My only real concern on Saturday night… was for the safety of my friend and all concerned. I understand everyone has a job to do, including paparazzi. If I were to say anything about Saturday night, it is only to encourage that everyone would respect and care for the safety of others above all else.”

Hey! I have an idea for caring for the safety of others above all else. Stop going to Hollywood hotspots where you know there are going to be swarms of paparazzi.

Remember Major Movie Star? You know, Major Movie Star, the Jessica Simpson movie? The one where she is forced to join the army? Oh yeah, that never got a US release. That shit never even went straight to DVD.

Instead it was shipped off to Russia, where it was tops at the box office this week. You read that right, Major Movie Star was number one at the box office in Russia. This movie needs to come to Blockbuster pronto, because it must make for one fantastic drinking game. How else would you explain the popularity of this shit-fest? Only in a country where there was nothing else to do but find creative ways to drink vodka could a movie of this caliber be the box office king.

I think Jessica should just take her crappy music to Siberia anyway. There’s thousands of desolate square miles where no one has to listen to it. I bet the wolves there will be pissed though.  

Proving that there is absolutely nothing to do in Canada, Jessica Simpson played to a sold-out audience at the Caesers Windsor casino on Thursday. And when I say “sold out,” I mean full of gamblers who got free tickets.

Predictably, the concert received a scathing review from The Windsor Star. Like recent reviews in other papers, the critic complains about Jessica’s rambling introductions to all of her songs.

At one point, while introducing the spousal-abuse single “Remember That,” Simpson told the audience to walk away if they are in an abusive relationship, adding, “preferably in a pair of Jessica Simpson boots.”

Ah, there’s nothing like exploiting battered women to sell a fashion line. I’m surprised she didn’t tell her audience that if they couldn’t get out of the relationship they could just cut their wrists open using the jagged edge of a broken Blonde Ambition DVD.

Then again, the five people who bought that movie probably already killed themselves after watching it.

The title song on Jessica Simpson’s upcoming “country” album, Do You Know, is a duet with Dolly Parton. What’s interesting isn’t the fact that Jessica was actually able to convince Dolly to sing on her album, but what Dolly and Jessica sing to one another.

Jessica: Lying here beside you in the dark/ I feel the steady rhythm of your heart/ Feel your face against my shoulder/ Breath upon my skin/ Embers barely smoldered/ I make love to you again

Jessica and Dolly: Nothing in this world compares to this/ The way our bodies fit/ The way we kiss

Sure, it’s a lesbian song, but there’s something about picturing Jessica Simpson and Dolly Parton making love that doesn’t seem quite right. It’s like when James Bond slept with Grace Jones in A View to A Kill. It’s hot for those who like a little vomit in their mouth while they do it.

I’m not sure this constitutes “music news” being that in involves Jessica Simpson, but homegirl joined the CMA this week in a bid to actually be taken seriously at something. And no, that doesn’t stand for Cock Munchers Association, pervos.

As a member of the Country Music Association, Simpson receives a number of privileges, including health insurance, voting rights for the CMA awards, and a lifetime membership to the Big Lots Buzz Club.

Things are looking up for the less nose-joby Simpson sister. She recently became spokesperson for the Stampede Brewing Company, which features vitamin infused beer, and played her very own show at the Indiana State Fair. Next thing you know, she’ll have her own reality show.    

As a testament to her ever-growing fame and success, Jessica Simpson performed at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis last week. She got the Thursday night slot, right after the hog auction and before the Color Me Badd reunion show. So in lieu of any real news coming out of the Hoosier state, I give you this fact: Jim Davis, author of Garfield, is from Indiana. Feel free to use that at your next cocktail party.