In a new interview Lily Allen gives us her view of drugs because we all really want to know:

“The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you- you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that’s not true. I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work. But we never hear that side of the story. I wish people wouldn’t sensationalize it. Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”

Wow, Lily Allen knows people who do cocaine and still get up and go to work. I tried coke once, cleaned my apartment, took my dogs for a walk, alphabetized my DVD collection, brushed my teeth seven times, called every contact in my cell phone, learned how to juggle, then went to work for 17 hours. And it was the weekend. Work wasn’t even open.

Allen admitted in the interview that she did cocaine to try and fit in, but didn’t like it very much. Of course, everyone is pissed about the interview. (Allen also slams Christianity.) I guess some people are just bad at keeping their mouth shut.   

Lily Allen says Lily Allen sucks. Talking about her failed BBC talk show, Lily Allen and Friends, Allen gave herself a generous 5 out of 10.

But, in her words, “I made a lot of money out of it. Thank you, TV license-payers, that was very nice of you. You think Russell Brand is your problem but actually it was me.”

It’s not that I refuse to believe that Lily Allen’s show sucked. It’s that I refuse to believe Lily Allen has any friends. Because I have no friends, and I’m prettier. Okay, that’s not true. I’m not prettier. And my breath smells like baloney and Doritos. And I have an unborn twin brother growing out of my left side.

But at least I still have my dignity.

This all started when Katy Perry described herself as “a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.”

Lilly Allen responded by saying, “I happen to know for a fact that she was an American version of me….. She was signed by my label in America as ‘We need to find something controversial and kooky like Lily Allen.’ And then they found her.

“I think the lyrics and stuff are a bit crass… It’s like, you’re not English and you don’t write your own songs, shut up!”

And Perry responded to that by ripping out Lily Allen’s tongue and saying “Who’s crass now, bitch?”

Actually, Perry took the high road and admitted wrong doing. (Which confirms my suspicion that she’s not an actual celebrity.)

“I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny,” Perry explained. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously.”

No word on if anyone told Katy that comedians aren’t supposed to be taken seriously at all or pointed out that Perry was not actually a comedian to begin with.

Celebrities are so narcissistic.

Here is Lily Allen adding to the world’s glut of superfluous “entertainment” by talking about absolutely nothing on her video blog. 

As if we care. As if we would waste our time watching this. What does she expect? Someone take the time to post it on a website, and perhaps even write some irreverent commentary? Oh, shit. Never mind.

Anyway, it appears Allen hired Diddy’s videographer. But, Allen did manage to out-douche Diddy by deciding to eat while she filled us in on her life fabulous life.

Watch it for the dogs. They do tricks.

Lily Allen presented at the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London this week, or she was supposed to. Instead, my alcoholic uncle who ruins every Thanksgiving showed up disguised as Lilly Allen.

First Allen got whatever the British call “drunk.” Bollucked? Wankered? Snootered? Snoggered?

Then she told Sir Elton John to “fuck off.” Good for her. I hate knights. They’re always assholes.

But my favorite moment is the reaction of Allen’s future sister-in-law, Jaime Winston, after Allen revealed Winston’s secret engagement to Alfie Allen on national television. Winston makes the exact same face I do after my uncle inevitably vomits all over the cranberry sauce during the Thanksgiving prayer.