First Miley “I only date guys who can’t hump me” Cyrus announced she was releasing her autobiography, and now 23-year-old Leona Lewis is belly-flopping into the unnecessary bio pool. Great, another thing to add to my Amzon.com Wish List.

But who needs all of those books when Sanjaya has announced that he too is writing an autobiography? Hopefully it will just be pages and pages about his hair, because that shit will win the Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, how can there be war when humanity has this gift to share?

All of these announcements are putting a lot of pressure on me to hurry and get through the book I’m reading now: Suri, The First Year, Volume One.

I can only pray that this is my last Miley Cyrus post ever, but somehow I think she’ll keep doing dumb things. When your dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, stupidity is pretty much your lot in life.

Well now Miley is sharing her own special brand of idiocy with the world, as the 15 year old has announced plans to release her autobiography. That’s good news for her 20-year-old boyfriend, Justin Gaston, because I’m pretty sure once you’ve released an autobiography, you’re allowed to have sex.

And guess what? Somecodes.com managed to get a copy of Miley’s new book, and we have an exclusive peek! Check it out:

Daddy insists on playing his damn song over and over again. “Daddy,” I scream, “Keep it down. I’m tryin’ to make ya’ll baloney cups for dinner.” If I hear Achy Breaky Heart one more time I’m going to flip a frickin’ groundhog. And I have to giddy up with these here vittles, ‘cause Daddy’s setting me up on another date with one of his friends, Hucksaw.  He’s the one who still has all of his toes, on account of the gangue green not gettin’ hold. I can’t wait to be famous!

Yeah, I know, two Miley Cyrus posts in a row. But it’s a slow news day, and it’s either this or “Ashley Simpson Turns 24.” And as much as I tried, I couldn’t find any hot pictures of Ashley Simspon.

So Miley Cyrus celebrated her 16th birthday at Disneyland this weekend, albeit seven weeks early. That’s right, Justin Gaston, only 111 weeks until you can legally touch your new girlfriend.

Well, I’m sure Billy Ray Cyrus is having none of this shit. Ol’ Billy Ray probably brings out the shotgun when that no-good Gaston boy comes a’courtin’.

But I could be wrong because Billy Ray, Gaston, and Miley all performed together at her birthday party.

And yes, Disney is the same company that made such a big deal about Miley’s topless photos in Vanity Fair. But you know what they say, “What happens in Tommorow Land hasn’t actually happened yet.”

Check out Miley Cyrus’ wrist for supposed physical proof that she is hooking up with Justin Gaston. 15-year-olds are so adorable. Except I wouldn’t date one of them. Especially if, like Justin, I was 20 fucking years old.

As you can see, Miley has a freshly drawn “tattoo” that says “JG + MC = Heart.” When I was in Jr. High, I used to draw tattoos on my arm too, except my said “Dragon Fang Ninja.” I used to eat paste as well.

Well, maybe when Justin is in jail, he can write “Mr. Justin Cyrus” over and over again on his prison-issue Trapper Keeper.

Miley Cyrus is celebrating her 16th birthday by shutting down Disneyland for a private party, and for only $250 you’re invited!

“I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more,” she said in a statement. “I’ll even get to sing a couple songs.”

A few years agaon, Lindsay Lohan also had a birthday where she shut down Disneyland.  We see what good that did. How come Disney kids end up so fucked up?

I wouldn’t be surprised if Miley’s “awesome” 26th birthday party involves renting out the back room at Tony Roma’s, doing lines of coke with friends, vomiting, and more. She’ll even get to sing a couple of her dad’s songs on Karaoke! That will cost you $3.37.