Joy of joys, Britney Spear’s new single has been released today.

I really feel like my weeks of collaboration with Brit have resulted in a solid piece of music. I don’t know if if was the inspirational letters I wrote her every day, the endless phone calls, or the hopping over her backyard fence and trying to elude her rather violent and large security guards. Whatever I did, it paid off big time!  

I do have to say I am a bit disappointed that she didn’t use my suggested title, “Biscuit to Mars,” but “Womanizer” will do just fine. And this song has nothing to do with what the dog voices in my head suggested, but that’s okay. Those are my doggy demons, and I will deal with them.

So now that this is finally released, I can end my hunger strike, shave off my beard, and try to get out of this straight jacket they put me in.

Sigh. It would be ironic if a nuclear war broke out today, the same day that Britney Spears’ new single “Womanizer” was supposed to be released, ushering in a new era of world peace.

Apparently Britney had to “recut” some vocals. In other words, the ROBOVOICE 2800 SYSTEM broke down, and Brit would have had to actually sing on this one.  

Now the single won’t be out until next week. Good thing we have this to play on a continuous loop.

Yes, everybody is excited about Britney Spears getting skinny and hot again, but here’s something about Britney most people don’t know: She sings! Songs!

Britney will unleash her up-until-now unknown voice upon the world on December 2nd, when she releases her album Circus.

I heard she was going to call it Family Circus, but that shit’s already been taken.

The first single will be called “Womanizer.” Be sure to circle September 22nd on your calendars for that. Or, if you’re like Britney, stick a note in your weave.

Jack White thought he was writing music for an edgy little independent film called Quantum of Solace. Imagine his shock and horror when his theme song was used in a Coke Zero commercial! 

His management responded by releasing a statement: 

“Jack White was commissioned by Sony Pictures to write a theme song for the James Bond film Quantum of Solace, not for Coca Cola. Any other use of the song is based on decisions made by others, not by Jack White.

“We are disappointed that you first heard the song in a co-promotion for Coke Zero, rather than in its entirety.”  

I think they should just make the next movie about Bond trying to stop Coca Cola from reintroducing New Coke. And they should rehire Roger Moore to play James Bond to give the movies some more edge. Any movie star can sleep with hot chicks, but it takes a real secret agent to do it when you’re 97 years old.

The title song on Jessica Simpson’s upcoming “country” album, Do You Know, is a duet with Dolly Parton. What’s interesting isn’t the fact that Jessica was actually able to convince Dolly to sing on her album, but what Dolly and Jessica sing to one another.

Jessica: Lying here beside you in the dark/ I feel the steady rhythm of your heart/ Feel your face against my shoulder/ Breath upon my skin/ Embers barely smoldered/ I make love to you again

Jessica and Dolly: Nothing in this world compares to this/ The way our bodies fit/ The way we kiss

Sure, it’s a lesbian song, but there’s something about picturing Jessica Simpson and Dolly Parton making love that doesn’t seem quite right. It’s like when James Bond slept with Grace Jones in A View to A Kill. It’s hot for those who like a little vomit in their mouth while they do it.

Yes, The Hills are still alive with the sound of regurgitation. Heidi Montag has released another song, her twelfth this week. What, does she not work?

Rather than post the “The Party’s Wherever I Am,” you’ll have listen to it here. I was going to post it, but I thought it would be more enjoyable to look at one of her slutty pictures. But that wasn’t doing it for me either, so I’m just going with this pic.

Ahhhh. Isn’t that nice? Pudding wrestling almost makes me forget that Heidi Montag even exists. But then there’s the douche bag sitting in the corner. Who in the hell wears socks in the pudding fight pit? Spencer Pratt. That’s who.

Terrence Howard admitted to the New York Times that he is bat-shit crazy, in the Kathy Bates, Misery kind of way. He wrote the song “No. 1 Fan” from his new album while stalking his ex:

“It was raining, and I was sitting there in front of the house, watching her come home from a date after we were divorced. I was imagining what she did on this date, and watching her giving him a kiss. I went home and wrote this song.”

Howard’s ex wife also inspired the songs, “Guess Who’s Got A Finger in the Mailbox?,” “Sorry About Your Pet Rabbit,” and “It’s Only Because I Love You (That You’re Tied Up in that Chair, Bitch).”

Every since I found out last week that Terrence Howard was about to realease his own album and usher in a new golden age of civilization, my nights have consisted of sleepless wanderings around the neighborhood, staring up at the moon and contemplating what glories are to come. Can you see it? Peace in the Middle East, the end to world hunger, complementary baby wipes in every woman’s bathroom. And here is a small, delicious taste of the utopian future of mankind, the first video. It’s like riding to heaven on a Pegasus made out of flowers.    

Continuing the trend of aptly named music, this is the video for “Stupid Shit” by a group of prostitutes that unite to form one big glob superslutness named Girlicious. At this point, I’m wondering why execs even bother with the “music” part of the entertainment industry. Want to save about $60? Instead of heading down to your local strip club with all of your money, just go to the 1:57 mark, and then mail me $5 in one-dollar bills. Cheapest lap dance you’ve ever gotten. And without the crabs.

I posted Great Moments in Bad Music History about an hour too soon, because Heidi Montag has just upped the ante, big time. It’s called “Overdosin’,” which is perhaps the most appropriate name for a song of all time. After listening to this I’m so desperate to kill myself that I’ve swallowed an entire bottle of chewable vitamin C. (Don’t know if it will work, but it’s all I have handy.) Her singing voice just confirms my suspicions that this bitch is a malfunctioning sexbot from the future who has escaped to wreak havoc on all of mankind. Somebody get that android under control! This shit sounds like it should be over the end credits of Critters 3.