Joy of joys, Britney Spear’s new single has been released today.
I really feel like my weeks of collaboration with Brit have resulted in a solid piece of music. I don’t know if if was the inspirational letters I wrote her every day, the endless phone calls, or the hopping over her backyard fence and trying to elude her rather violent and large security guards. Whatever I did, it paid off big time!
I do have to say I am a bit disappointed that she didn’t use my suggested title, “Biscuit to Mars,” but “Womanizer” will do just fine. And this song has nothing to do with what the dog voices in my head suggested, but that’s okay. Those are my doggy demons, and I will deal with them.
So now that this is finally released, I can end my hunger strike, shave off my beard, and try to get out of this straight jacket they put me in.
Here is Lily Allen adding to the world’s glut of superfluous “entertainment” by talking about absolutely nothing on her video blog.
As if we care. As if we would waste our time watching this. What does she expect? Someone take the time to post it on a website, and perhaps even write some irreverent commentary? Oh, shit. Never mind.
Anyway, it appears Allen hired Diddy’s videographer. But, Allen did manage to out-douche Diddy by deciding to eat while she filled us in on her life fabulous life.
This is why we need to come up with an alternative fuel source, right now! May I suggest thermal energy gleaned from burning copies of Da Band’s album?
Diddy released this video blog that was apparently shot by the same cameraman from Cloverfield. In it, Diddy complains that gas prices are “too motherfucking high,” and that it costs him $250,000 a month just to fly his private jet from New York to LA.
Remember when it was only like $75,000 a month to fly your private jet coast to coast? Diddy’s so flustered he can’t figure out how douchey he wants his hat to look.
Heidi Montag unleashed the fourth sign of the apocalypse today. (If you believe that Demi Moore movie, that means Heidi’s got three videos left before Armageddon.)
Like a true professional, Heidi posted the video on her website before the music was synced up to the video correctly. So besides being absolutely craptastic, the video is plays in slow motion and lasts a good five minutes past the music.
When I was younger my basset hound, Ed Earl, would tell me to kill people. After watching this, I understand. I understand everything.
Every since I found out last week that Terrence Howard was about to realease his own album and usher in a new golden age of civilization, my nights have consisted of sleepless wanderings around the neighborhood, staring up at the moon and contemplating what glories are to come. Can you see it? Peace in the Middle East, the end to world hunger, complementary baby wipes in every woman’s bathroom. And here is a small, delicious taste of the utopian future of mankind, the first video. It’s like riding to heaven on a Pegasus made out of flowers.
Continuing the trend of aptly named music, this is the video for “Stupid Shit” by a group of prostitutes that unite to form one big glob superslutness named Girlicious. At this point, I’m wondering why execs even bother with the “music” part of the entertainment industry. Want to save about $60? Instead of heading down to your local strip club with all of your money, just go to the 1:57 mark, and then mail me $5 in one-dollar bills. Cheapest lap dance you’ve ever gotten. And without the crabs.
Believe it or not, this video actually got into the hands of Marilyn Manson who let this woman open one of his shows. I actually like this better than Marilyn Manson. The video is a love letter to Chicago. It’s not often that a film captures the nuances and beauty of drainage ponds and sewage pipes. This is loaded with gems, but my favorite moment is at the 2:01 mark when she and her mullety boyfriend are pointing and waving at someone they know. Then the camera pans over to reveal that they are both completely insane.
Britney has been nominated for an MTV video music award for Video of the Year for “Piece of Me.” She made a video last year? Wasn’t she just running around showing her love muffin while asking people about time travel? Anyway, the video looks pretty bad. I can’t figure out what makes it Video of the Year material. Although I have to confess that I’m no expert. I confused this song with “Pieces of Me” by Ashley Simpson, who I always confuse with Jessica Simpson, who reminds me a lot of Britney Spears, so I guess it really doesn’t make a difference anyway.
Snoop Dogg continues his quest to be in everything on earth. Here is his video for the titular song from Bollywood production Singh is King. According to IMDB, the movie is “a comic caper about Happy Singh, a Punjabi villager who goes through a series of misadventures and eventually becomes the King of the Australian underworld.” Australia has an Indian underworld? That would explain why on my last trip to Sydney those muggers broke out into an elaborate musical number before making an escape on flying kangaroos. Or maybe that can just be explained by the drugs. The heavy, heavy drugs.
Tim McGraw took matters into his own hands this week during his concert at the White River Amphitheater. After seeing a male fan attack a woman in the front row, Tim went Hulk on the dude and pulled him on stage. He then grabbed the good ole boy by the belt and tossed him across the stage before security arrived to remove the idiot. This is why I don’t go to country concerts. If I wanted to see drunk men in jean shorts hitting women, I’d go the Shakey’s down the street during happy hour. At least then I could have some pizza buffet with my redneck violence.
